Dear Da,
When I was younger, I used to write in this book all the time. Remember? While the other kids were rushing home to tell their parents about their accomplishments, I wrote to you. I thought you'd be proud. I thought if I wrote enough, you'd send me a sign that you were pleased. I never saw a sign. But I wrote anyway, just in case. Right up until I was a teenager. Then the letters stopped as I found more interesting pursuits than seeking the approval of the father I never had.
The last entry I made in this book isn't that old, though. I saw it on my way to this fresh page. It stands alone, on a page of its own. One line.
Captain Ivan Antoine Vopatril
Proud now?
Uncle Aral was in a crash today. What am I supposed to feel? Everyone else around me feels; sorrow, guilt, confusion. Do I belong amoung people who have feelings? I just wanted to escape to where it is all the same, and no one changes, and we move through our little dances, sharing our bodies but never our thoughts. All my life Uncle Aral was asked to lecture me whenever mother felt a man was needed, but I was a distant third on his list of priorities, far after Miles and Gregor. He never took me seriously, and maybe I never let him. What would you have done? Would you have made me feel valued and important? Or would be as disappointed in me as I always felt Aral, and Mother are? I don't care what they think. I never needed their good opinions before, and I don't now either. I would like to think I have yours, sir. But how would I know? I don't know what you valued, what you considered important. Does Captain Vorpatril please you? Would a next Lady Vorpatril? A son to carry your name and legacy? A daughter to love your son? How do I know?
I always thought it was a charmed life, not being close to anyone, moving on quickly, keeping my distance, but Miles is so happily married. I want to be married. But.... Gregor is married and look where that puts him. I don't want to hurt. So I don't. But yet, I feel the absence of something. I wonder if they trust me. Laissa was willing to trust me with her life, but not with the knowledge that she was pregnant. Why should that bother me?
Tomorrow I am having dinner with your lady wife, my mother. Did she rule you as she tries to rule me? Always more questions. When I was younger I thought I would have answers by now; like answers were something conferred by benefit of age. Congratulations Ivan, you are 20 now. Here are some answers. Now you are 30, have more answers. But all I find are more questions. Sir.